Have u ever felt that everything is your fault? I do all the time... when i know it is not... i still on the inside take on the pain of everything being my fault.I have to admit after years of taking on the guilt of everything, it hurts. I know i should not feel bad about the choices i have made lately... but i do feel i have put unneeded stress on people who i love! It kills me cause i know the only reason people r doing things for me is cause they love me... but i guess it is just natural for me to feel bad about things in the end i cant control.

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Many time i even take on things that have nothing to do with my life... i will internally stress over a topic that means NOTHING to the world... i guess it is just my personality and if i could change it i would... some people say that i am just a caring person... i never knew caring could hurt me so much... (<--- that has nothing to do with the first part of this blog)

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Well today i kinda vented on one of the best friends... he pretty much told me to ..... shut Up and let him talk. So while he sat and typed to me about how people make sacrifices for people they love.... it hit me... these people are doing this cause they care, they r putting their life on hold to make me happy... which kills me cause i have always felt i don't deserve people doing anything for me...

* caring for me
* taking up for me
* putting there life on hold
* even... loving me
* ANYTHING for me

I think it is one of my biggest down falls is thinking people should not give a crap about me... I think here lately my eyes have been open to the simple fact... people do care for me, people will take up for me, people that love me will put their life on hold for me, and people... no matter how much i might hate it... will love me!

I think more things will hit me as i grow up and i will have to settle that no matter what people r gonna be there for me even if i don't want it... i think another issue i have is when people say they are there for me... 9 times out of 10 they r speaking the truth...

If all my teenage years turn out to be as big of a learning experience as my 15th year... then i will be set to hit the world when i become an adult.

I guess it is time to thank the people who help me so much... they know who they are... and if u r not so sure then you most likely are not... which means you only make life harder... but if you don't think u particularly make my life harder then just ask... I'm a pretty blunt person and will tell you!

Sorry for the extended blog... but if you got all the way down here i will leave you with a joyful pic!